Relying on Allah

 Most times in our lives, we come to a point where we are made to look at things and make a choice either to hold on to something that means a lot to us or let it go, or as Shakespeare said “to be be or not to be, that is the question”. In such situations, people resort to different modes and means of making that hard but crucial decision, some will go to some crystal ball gazer, others will visit a tarot card reader others will go to a bone thrower the most naive will put it down on bits of papers then fold them and try pick a choice while others will pluck a petal from a flower for each option alternatively. As muslims, Allah and his messenger gave us a complete guide on how to live our entire lives and what life will throw at us as well. Allah says in the glorious Quran, “…………And when you have decided then rely upon Allah, indeed Allah loves those who rely upon him” (Quran 3:159) based on this ayah, it is clear to us that first and foremost, we should have a clear idea in our heads of what we want then after that we turn to Allah to guide us on the selected path.

Mankind is made in a manner that he always wants, things which are good for him and sometimes even those that are not good for him. When it comes to holding on or letting go, its an issue of two choices that require proper analysis of the situation at hand, Allah says “……..But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not” (Quran 2:216)  with this in mind, it becomes clear that mankind is not aware of anything except that which is apparent to him, and that is why Allah made it that after making your decision then you turn to Him for further guidance, if its khair he will bless it for you. Most of us make the mistake of trusting our decision making to the extent we leave out Allah in the process or some say i rely on Allah then they sit back and do nothing of their situation, The prophet may peace be upon him ((in a hadeeth in the book of Tirmidhi narration #2517)) once told a bedouin who had let his camel lose and when asked he said, i rely on Allah, the messenger of Allah told him “Tie your camel first then put your trust in Allah”

Let us not be rash in our decisions making, hold on to something if it seems worthwhile and let go if you don’t think its worth it, Allah says, “………it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good” (Quran 4:19). but at the end of the day, after you make your decision and then let it in Allah’s hands, then be prepared for either results and be grateful to him as the messenger peace be upon him says ((in a haddeth in the book of muslim narration 2999)) “How wonderful is the affair of the believer, for his affairs are all good, and this applies to no one but the believer. If something good happens to him, he is thankful for it and that is good for him. If something bad happens to him, he bears it with patience and that is good for him” 

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t” (Steve Maraboli)

 

I forgive you

“Listen, I’ve done awful things to you”. She moved closer and went on “I am sorry for making you doubt and hate yourself”. Tears started welling up in Hasina’s eyes till they blocked her vision. She lowered her head and allowed the tears to flow uncontrollably, her shoulders shook and she placed her hands over her eyes, she was simply inconsolable.

Hasina reached out to pull a sheet of tissue from the box on the side table on her right. She dabbed away the tears and wet mucous that was starting to fall down her nose. She composed herself once again and went on.

“I knew things were not working for you but I made you keep going. I forced you to stand this man that was really worthless and I made you believe that all that he said to you and about you was true. I am so sorry”

“What was worse was that I made you think that you deserved the physical abuse from him. I made you think that he was right for doing that to you.” With that, Hassina now started wailing, she covered her face with new sheets of tissue and she weeped for a few minutes before she raised her head and took a deep breath. Once she felt like she was in control Hassina turned to her therapist and said “I think I’m done”.

Bonnie, her therapist uncrossed her leg bent closer to her and said in the most gentle tone, “I think you are really brave, you have owned up to your mistakes and you are allowing the emotions to flow. Now I want you to get up from your seat and sit on the other seat and imagine what your weaker self felt back then. What would you have to tell this self of yours that was pushy, hurtful and not understanding after hearing that?”

Hasina got up from her seat and sat on the empty chair that she had been envisioning as her weaker self. When her bum hit the wooden chair, she sat up feeling very uneasy. She took a deep breath and impersonated her 10 years younger self. She took another deep breath and let her shoulders hang to bring back the feeling of defeat and hopelessness she had back then.

“Yes Hasina, I want you to build up the anger and imagine how you felt when you used to feel the way you did, what would you like to tell your aggressive self?” Said Bonnie.

Hasina stared into the empty space and took a deep breath. She clenched her fists and bit her lower lip. “I forgive you”, was what she was able to say and as soon as that happened, a wide smile filled her face.

Bonnie was so happy with the outcome, this was her first session doing chair therapy and it felt like a success. “Go on, hug yourself, I think you would have liked that”.

Hasina placed her hands on her opposite shoulders and embraced herself tightly and swung gently from left to right. She finally felt a sense of relief, she knew she was getting closer to self forgiveness and self acceptance.

One baby step at a time, she was on her way to self healing.

Carpe Diem!

So what is the cloud, the silver lining and the gold?

Life is one big struggle after another and as long as we live expecting the storms and waves to completely stop, we shall remain deceived.

If the cloud stands for our lives, and the silver linings stand for the little breathers we have and the gold is far fetched, I feel like there are small little details that are missing from the picture.
The cloud must mean the things we do daily such as waking up, working and talking. The silver linings must be the small things that touch our hearts such as a smile, a connection and a hug. These are important things happening in our daily life that keep us going.

What I think we are missing in this picture is the rain and lightening, this happens during our lives when things are just simply in havoc. Many times its just temporary and we need to understand that the storm passes.

The gold must be the gold pot that is found at the end of a rainbow that is where we find our big triumphs and successes. The rainbow is not guaranteed but when it shows up it does so after all the rain and lightening has happend.

Does gold exist in our lives? It surely does! But its the silver lining that gives us the strength to get there. So my dear friends someone rightly wrote today..

“Carpe diem! Too many people miss the silver lining because they’re expecting gold.”

I would change it to, keep your head up and notice the silver lining while you aim for the gold.

So what are you waiting for? Seize the day!

Time for ownership

During our therapy sessions, when we find that a person can not figure out where the problem comes from, we do a regression to a past experience, and the pain is profound in our clients when they realize what little secret/pain they were keeping and not letting go off and a lot of times they don’t even consciously remember the incident. I myself have experienced this and I can tell you the memories come back so realistically as though they were happening at that instance.

Yo…u might think that by hurting your child in seclusion or isolation will be forgotten. Your child might not speak up about the pain you have inflicted him/her – Mind you, no child deserves pain of any sort however bad the incident- but the memories never go and the effects of the injustice, fear and pain you have inflicted will surface in one way or another in their personalities.

The mind never forgets and the emotions never lie. You might be wondering years later why your child behaves in a certain manner but you have to realize that you probably played a role in them turning out as they did.

Yes as parents we all make mistakes and mess up, just do not for a second think that the moment you smile at them that the pain would you have inflicted will be gone.

Be brave to own up to your mistakes so that your child can release the pain and not have it affect him/her with time.

Let’s be conscious parents.

We are meeting really messed up adults because of the pains endured during childhood. Go hug your child today and own up to a mistake you did and apologize for it without giving reasons for why s/he deserved that treatment.

Spread some love, there is already too much hate in this world.

With love,
Mufy ❤

The Three Winners

As the Chapel Hill shooting story unfolded, I was heartbroken at the thought of the murder of these three young people. As an outsider I did not know what to take from it but within a few hours I felt like I was part of this mission and as though I am an insider.

I am so inspired by these three souls. Imagine the kind of amazing parents they have that have the ability to say “do not fight fire with fire”. These parents who had just lost their children were so graceful that it gave me -the outsider- the peace I needed to accept the situation.

I went through any and every piece of information about them and my heart just kept melting. I have re-watched videos and looked at their photos and I see happy and engaged people. People who lived in the moment and were proudly Muslim and that showed in every photo and story I read.

However, I do not feel grief, in fact I feel elated to see the contributions these young people had already accomplished.

A new life of marriage, a new endeavor to go help the Syrian refugees in Turkey and a new admission to university. I would wish to go at a time like that- having been fulfilled in my life and not angry or bitter about anyone or anything. After seeing what they have done, I am certain that I am not ready to go yet.

The Three Winners have left behind many more winners. I am amazed by the families’ grace and pride in their identity. So many lessons to take here.

I watched every news press and the messages that came from their siblings and I found them all to be so wise with choice of words and actions.

They preached peace, reconciliation and only highlighted the good that has come out of this and what stuck out most is the pride they had in their identity and how well they expressed it. These amazing people spoke about faith, paradise and matrydom on national tv without thinning it down for the viewers to comprehend.

We have seen America mourn for the loss of lives, this was the first time we saw them mourn Muslim lives in an Islamic way. This was amazing to see without doubt.

This incident has just simply given me so much insight on what Islam truly means in action.

I vow to not leave this world till I have touched the hearts of people that have lost hope and to be an agent of positivity.
Let us sing lyrics of their beauty so the angels and Lord can elevate their statuses further.

When a person has a beautiful soul, you can tell by the way they are remembered after they are gone. Beautiful people.

I feel so inspired by them. I want to live my life so that when I die people are so sure about my path with regards to my beliefs, humanity and life. So young, yet so focused, so full. They are so beautiful.

May peace and reconciliation descend on their grieving family and friends.

Taking strength from the Deah, Yousr and Razan.

I need to talk to a human!

“I need to talk to a human,” he demanded,
As he woke up from the slumber he had suspended,

“Where am I? What am I doing here?
Why does everything seems so different?”

“This is the place that you landed,
The end that you had taken for granted.

Your time with humans has ended,
So have the deeds that you had intended.

Are you ready then to talk about your deeds,
Your actions and the sincerity of your creed?

This, dear human is your gate to the hereafter,
A place where you cannot dare do deeds after.”

“But please, I had not known, this is unfair,
If you had just given me one more day to prepare,

They kept saying your day might come next,
But did it have to be today? I am perplexed!”

“Didn’t you know that when the decree has been set,
Scream, protest and fight but there is nothing that can reset.

Life is indeed short,
If only you had thought to sort,

All the things that you needed to uphold,
There was no way to keep it on hold,

Now this is the step to your everlasting home,
And whatever your deeds have been, to you will all come.”

Wake up before it’s too late and work,
For a future that will not leave you in the dark.

Sensitive mothering

Caring for a child in the first years of their life is an integral part in the healthy growth of human beings. Babies are Allah’s great blessings to mankind that keep us moving and allow us to aspire for more in life. Often, when we go through difficulties in life, we find the strength in moving on by thinking of our little ones and we always hope to provide for them a life that is more fulfilling than our own.

The one thing I remember thinking when I had my baby was; I wish I had a manual. I dedicated my next few years of my baby’s life in learning more about mothering. I wanted to parent with knowledge and not have people commenting and judging on my parenting style. I knew that if I didn’t have knowledge, it would be easy for people to convince me that any parenting style would be better than my style.

I learned a lot by reading about different philosophies and experiments and my intention is to share what I had learned during that time with all caretakers that need support in parenting.

Contrary to the current trend and belief, it has been observed by many researchers that mothers who fulfil their babies’ needs as soon as they cry have babies who cry less and grow to be confident and content. During the early months of a baby’s life, the baby is totally dependent on his/her primary caregiver and the quality of care is important in determining the sensitivity of the caregiver.

Although a large population of mothers find motherhood to be a fulfilling experience, a number of others find it quite the contrary. Though nature has put the mother as the primary caretaker of a child, she is not always the child’s primary caretaker. You will however find that, even though I used “mother” and sensitive “mothering” in this article, it does not exclusively mean the mother, but rather the primary caretaker.

Sensitivity in childcare involves many integral emotions and actions. Providing love, care and security are some expressions of sensitive mothering that build a bond between mother and child. Theorists have proved, through observations, that having an attachment is an inborn need of all human beings. We all strive to find fulfilling bonds in our lives, from mothers to best friends to spouses.

A strong attachment is achieved when the baby feels that the caregiver is sensitively caring for the baby and that baby’s needs are being met. These needs are not merely physical, such as eating and dressing, but encompass emotional and psychological needs such as hugging, kissing and cuddling.

In order to be successful in mothering sensitively and in offering security to your child, an infant needs to see that there is a consistent pattern s/he can rely on and that the caregiver will always be around if needed. When the child has achieved this strong and secure base, attachment is formed.

A loved child, who has learnt how to love and express his/her emotions grows up to be sensitive to others’ feelings and relates to others in ways that help him/her create positive relationships. It is also clear that a child who is sensitively mothered has a healthier mental state and is content with the fulfillment of his/her needs.

“As the baby is fed, held and enjoyed, these emotional loving relationships develop and deepen… Babies and parents who, for one reason or another do not make close emotional bonds experience general difficulty in forming stable, warm and loving relationships…

Bonding is partly about adults and babies adjusting to each other and understanding each other… learning how to “read” each other’s signs”. (Bruce and Meggitt, 2002, p.161).

John Bowlby, an influential figure who is credited for the establishment of the foundation of the attachment theory, lived during a time when women needed to go out to work in the industries as men were out at war. Bowlby decided to study the effect this had on their children.

Bowlby’s theory suggested that babies form a bond with their primary caregiver during the first year of their life. He argued that a strong attachment is necessary in forming the child’s social, emotional and intellectual abilities. He also believed that babies are able to make this strong attachment with only one caregiver – monotropy – and this caregiver will be able to provide a security base for the child.

Bowlby studied delinquent adolescent boys and found a common problem they faced during childhood. These adolescents were “maternally deprived” (Barnes, 1995). He stressed the need for a warm, intimate and continuous relationship with a caregiver for sound mental health. He noted that attachment is an innate need in human beings and that a strong and secure attachment goes both ways; caregiver and baby bond at the same time.

Babies yearn for proximity to their caregivers. In the first year of their lives, they naturally develop proximity promoting behaviours such as crying and clinging. These behaviours are all part of the attachment system and, once a baby has been responded to, the attachment behaviours settle.

Many times, we are taught as young mothers to do the opposite of this and the advisors convince us that when we give attention and time to our babies, we are spoiling them and they will never stop these behaviours. The actual effects are quite the opposite. My personal experience has proved to me that the studies and the theories of being a sensitive mother are true. Sensitivity plays a big role in calming the baby down and creating a much more confident toddler that is less cranky and clingy.

Infants have tendencies to explore; they wander around trying to make sense of the world. They still, however, need to know that their caregiver is around if needed. This balances the two conflicting tendencies, and once the child has built a strong trust, self-confidence will grow and s/he will be able to explore further.

On the other hand, if the child finds that s/he is in an uncomforting situation, such as illness or fear, the attachment behaviours will resurface as the situation is discomforting for the child.

It is important to note that once a strong attachment has been formed, Bowlby noted that its interruption will cause severe consequences on the child’s development and that its effects will show with time.

Mothering sensitively is a wonderful experience that creates a bond with your child like no other. Allah subhanahu wa taala has given us this great chance to be parents, why is it then that once we have been given this blessing we want to push it away from us? We want our children sleeping in separate rooms from us and we want them to be “obedient” and “quiet” all the time?

When my baby was just a few months old, I went to a nursing consultant – again just to be grounded with knowledge. She was with me giving me information and telling me that as much as anyone wanted to convince me that the baby wasn’t having enough and that I should add formula to her diet, I shouldn’t as long as I can see a consistent growth in her weight. While she was talking to me she got pulled away for a few minutes, when she came back to me her face had changed and she looked like she had a lot on her mind. She gave me a lesson on that day that I have never forgotten, she said:

“While we complain about our children’s crankiness and cries, there are mothers who have to deal with children who aren’t responsive.”

She had just come back from consulting a mother with an autistic baby. I learned on that day to be thankful for my baby’s night time wakings and for her cries. I appreciated changing her diapers and nursing her continuously. Alhamdulilah I had a normal baby that was responsive and who was doing what she was born to do; to cry, to eat, to excrete and to sleep; a blessing that many are challenged with.

The driver’s seat.

For the most part of my life, I have lived away from my hometown, Mombasa. The longest time I have spent in it is just a few weeks in a year. While being there on holidays, I have always been dependant on family to get to places and I was always accompanied. Why you ask? Well, Mombasa is such a mysterious city, which spreads so wide and far with so many different streets and alleys. You find the Indian Ocean spreading all over, with its bridge separating it from the rest of the city, the ferry on one side and the old and new towns. Mombasa is nothing compared to Nairobi or Malindi, it is an ocean in itself, full of mysteries and hidden gems. I’m bound to get lost if I am to go out to venture on my own! Well, that’s what I thought of the great Mombasa till a few days ago.

My friend, Mariam and I, decided to go out for lunch, we are both very new to the city. While Mariam was brought up in Nairobi, I was brought up in different parts of the world. Getting her husband to agree to allow us to drive his car took us hours of persuading but being women who are great at the art of convincing, we managed to get it our way. I hopped into the driver’s seat and we were ready for an adventure, we were going out for lunch to Nyali – a prominent area that always seemed too far away.

As I got in the car, I reminded myself to stick to the left lane and to follow (or not) the traffic signals. To my disappointment, we arrived at our destination in less than 10 minutes! That was too soon for my appetite; I wasn’t hungry and hadn’t explored the city enough to settle for Nyali, so we decided to go to Tudor, in our minds, another far off area but yet again, Tudor was another disappointment.

I don’t remember what we ate that day, but I do remember the shock I had found myself in. Mombasa had suddenly turned into a version of Malindi in my eyes – a small city that didn’t intimidate me anymore. I suddenly felt so in control, so empowered.

Too often in life we travel by following blindly, we travel life waiting to be informed by others and expecting guidance from others. When will it be time to get into the driver’s seat of our own lives and take control? The people who guide are guiding on trial and error themselves. Life really isn’t as mysterious as people make it out to be. It’s easier dealing with the consequences of your own decisions than the consequences of others’ decisions about your life.

Allah subhanahu wa taala says “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves” Suratul Rad 13:11. Change begins from within and taking control and charge of one’s own affairs is a big step in assuring taking up responsibility of one’s actions.

I have always wondered who gave the first professor a degree before there was a professor. Consider breaking the norm every once in a while, test the waters and be innovative with your thoughts and actions.Henry David Thoreau famously says “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams. Live the life you have imagined.”

You see, on the day of judgement, Allah subhanahu wa taala will question you about your actions and your decisions, not your family member’s, father’s, mother’s or elder’s. So if someone is currently in the driver’s seat of your life consider asking them to scoot over, put on an L(earner) sign on your windscreen and enjoy the ride!

The Chase

Splat!

Her face slammed and wetness gushed out to her bewilderment,
was it tears of frustration from all the unfufilment,

Or was it blood from the knife that was dug deep into her heart?
That had poked and scraped in places that hurt.

Her boxed dreams were gone into the dark,
In the train that left as fast as a Noah’s ark,

She thought she had made it,
Even though she tried to fake it,

But the reality had just hit,
And it was simply time to quit,

She had packed all her hopes in boxes well decorated,
With dreams that spoke of how well she resonated,

With what she knew she wanted,
A life that was clearly stated,

Similar to all of her kind,
Was all  that she had in mind.

She did not allow herself the courage and time to think of her crime,
Why was life harsh when you think you’ve reached the prime? 

Reason was far too hard to give her some calm,
So she hushed it by running and stopping the hum,

She picked herself up and without examining her past,
She ran towards the train that was moving away so fast.

“Wait for me! Now why do I feel so dumb?
Where did I go wrong, oh my heart is so numb.

Did I not meet all that was required,
or was I not worthy of the life I had admired?”

She ran for miles and days,
She ran through all the seasons’ rays,

The train had left her for sure,
But accepting would rather be sour.

Little did she know there were many trains yet to arrive,
She was afraid that without her boxes she wouldn’t survive.

After running the race for miles without a break,
To stop, to think- oh she was quite a wreck,

She reached a point where the tracks were interwined in diversions,
“I’m now surely lost” and her body started the convulsions,

Out of despair she stopped and dropped her face,
On the flat road that was quite a familiar surface.

She thought her life was meant to go in a certain direction,
Despite everyhing she has learned in her education,

“I kept running after my dreams that were long gone,
Little did I realize I had different ones being born,

While I ran I missed out that I grew a thicker skin,
And wind flowed freely though my hair and made me serene.

I met people on the way that had so much to say,
What was it that they tried so hard to relay?

“Stop running” they said, “turn around and feel the breeze,
Take a moment to notice the grenery right here please”,

“Thank you for your concerns but no, I can’t” she had said,
“My greener patch awaits for me right up ahead”.

She sighed, covered her face and let the tears flow,
It was time to erase all the pains and allow herself to glow.

She got up and looked down at herself and started to inquire,
Through all the running she had created the best body to admire,

“Oh! The wonder!” she jumped and cried out so loud,
“I have become a princess!” she said it so proud.

“Look at me”, she thought to herself and examined,
“I’m have become prettier than I have ever imagined!”

She turned back and raised her hand above her eyes,
What was coming towards her was by far a surprise,

An A* coach was on it’s way towards where she stood,
was she getting on board and forgeting all she could?

“The old dreams and hopes wouldn’t fit me in this form
Those stories I had in my mind were quite a the old norm”

It was only when the train stopped to pick her up  that she remembered, She had heard the sounds of this train distantly as she  had surrendered,

To the thought that the life she wanted was in the train up ahead,
And missed out on checking what laid in the moment here instead.

The passengers rejoiced to see her on board,
“Finally! She stopped to join on us and claim her accord” 

They held her hand and all made a grand bow,
“Throw away your worries and let the wind blow,

Allow it take you to the land that most people fear,
But in it you will find life that is indeed the most dear”.

The prophet sallaAllahu alaihi wa sallam the man who was informed,
had constantly shared his knowledge and had also confirmed,

That which was meant for you will reach you as intended, 
and what was not meant for you would never had landed.

So stop chasing after the train that has passed you and ponder,
And take time to wait for the new train which will fill you with wonder.